It was a Saturday night.
I was home.
I had a rare two glasses of wine.
Jimmy was gone for the weekend.
It was me, TiVo, chick-flicks, dinner... and that yeah, that wine.
I started flipping through my latest BRIDES, casually watching Drew Barrymore's latest love tale: Going the Distance.
I suffered from a sudden wave of excitement about thee wedding.
I got an idea.
That idea -- to try on my wedding dress.
It was the first time it's been out of the bag since I picked it up.
I stepped into the flouffy dress, excitement mounting.
I pulled it up, getting it in place, when suddenly I realized something was missing.
I freaking needed someone to ZIP THE DAMN THING.
Alright -- no one around. What now? I need to see it on!
I took it back off.
Zipped it... then decided to pull it over my head.
Suck in, slip it on!
Not so fast.
It suddenly stopped.
I realized it was my, eh... speed bumps.
This train was stuck.
I pulled the ivory pile of material up... nothing.
I tugged down, nothing.
I started pacing.
I started panicking.
I started to talk to myself, reasoning with myself.
"You don't want to die like this."
"Well, there could be worse ways to die."
"At least I'll be in a pretty dress."
"Oh my God, Jimmy is 4 hours away."
Alright think. I have to get out of this by myself.
My face was turning red.
This fucking dress was tight.
Either I cut it off... or reach my non-double jointed arm around my body, find the zipper and pull like I've never pulled.
And maybe a small promise to God that I'll go to church if he helps a sister out.
Operation Arm Reach.
The way I got my arm all the way around my body, I'll never know.
It was painfully, but successfully executed.
I unzipped, exhaled, and pushed the taffeta down to the ground.
I let out a big pissed-off sigh.
I felt like I had just been stabbed in the back by a best friend.
I looked down at my dress with anguish and ran out of the room.
After five minutes of thinking about forming wrinkles I ran back in the room and lovingly picked up the neglected garment.
I hung it back up and decided... we can remain friends but need some time apart.
We need a break.