I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications
Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know we'll be alright
Perhaps it's just imagination...
Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Come back another day..
-- Colin Hay, Overkill
I started this day by hearing Jimmy talking with his nurse.
I heard his voice escalate and then I heard him tell her "not to get mad." I was about to intervene, as I normally do but wanted to let him handle it.
He could handle it.
If he needed me he could call me. We have a system for how he can do that.
I had a tough time going back to sleep but tried. I finally dozed back off and woke up a few minutes late to waking Jimmy up.
Luckily, I set my coffee maker the night before.
I went into Jimmy's room and he started telling me about what I learned was one of his scariest moments yet.
He told me he had a spasm so bad his entire body cramped up. He said the spasm literally knocked the breath out of him. He panicked and said his eyes rolled back -- he thinks he blacked out if only for a second.
He actually said the words Near Death Experience. He said it was one of the scariest things he's ever experienced.
Jimmy has "spasm screams" in the middle of the night. It happens a lot. The volume of his scream varies, but a spasm will rip him from his sleep. I think it travels up into his chest and scares the shit out of him (and me).
He doesn't recall screaming, though. I'm sure if he sees me in his room he knows what happened.
This morning's incident could have just been the largest, scariest version of that.
While I held my warm coffee cup standing next to Jimmy's bed, I listened to him describe what happened. He said he thought he was gonna die.
He didn't. He's okay. He barely could open his eyes after all this, but still breathing his way through the day as a living being.
Thing is, this injury can throw things at you -- and you don't even know when, you don't even know what. You have to be on defense at all times.
If you're ever around us, it may sicken you how much I ask if he's okay. There are things to look for in his face and his behavior that could signal certain things happen.
I'm a self-proclaimed Mama Bear.
After a few scary experiences, I've learned just a little but I still get very scared sometimes that Jimmy's not going to be okay.
Most days I feel he will be, but sometimes the fear is difficult to overcome.
Today I was a little rattled. Aint gonna lie.
I spent a lot of the day hugging and just watching him. The worry-gene was in full effect.
Husband needs a spasm scream-free night, though.
Wishing that for him.