Wednesday, October 30, 2013

WTF, Hormones?

Things are still going forward with our IVF cycle this month.

I'm half of a week into my meds and have two scans coming up at the end of the week to determine how I'm responding to everything.

I'm sure that's when my doctors will make a decision on when to do my egg retrieval.  I bet it will be coming up in the next week/week and a half.

VERY soon.

There's still a lot of coordinating happening to get what we need from Jimmy and to get it all together in the same place. But the encouraging news is that our staff is very aggressive and determined to make this work for us. We have other doctor's working with us. We have nurses calling to check on us. I feel like we are in the right place.

When we meet with our main fertility doctor, I almost forget that we have any fertility barriers at all. She has a way of helping me remain hopeful without knowing how any of this will turn out. And truly, that's what I need.  

I sometimes cautiously catch myself talking about a future Little Moore. I feel like there will be a Little Moore in our future, but will we meet him/her in 2014? We just don't know. 

What we know is that we're completely committed to this IVF cycle and that's about all we can do for the time being.

November is going to be a busy month.  It's very exciting and very scary all at the same time.

During all of this, Jimmy is still working on his goal of weaning off the ventilator and his diaphragmatic pacer. He is doing exceptionally well and I am beyond proud of him. It will be soon when we can call his doctor and tell him we are ready for the next step, whatever that may be.

I continue to give myself injections 3 times a day. It's really not as bad as I thought. The needles are relatively small and the mixing of medications was easy to learn. I like that I get to work my way up to the big booty needle. I won't do that one until after the embryo transfer, I believe.

I was handling the surge of hormones rather well. Until today. Here's what I'm noticing about the meds for me. They make the goods really good. And the complicated completely hard and not doable.

I had a couple of little meltdowns today that I'm choosing to blame on the hormones. I feel like if I wasn't on hormones, I wouldn't be reacting this way to an otherwise small, not life-changing item.

Lucky for me, on this day when hormones rudely attacked me, I had therapy. Are we sure God isn't a woman?

Before I even got to therapy, I knew what my therapist was going to say. I'm starting to be able to hear her voice in the back of my head. She calls that progress.

At the end of the session, I told her I felt better. She asked me what helped. I told her talking it out out loud.  As opposed to letting it roll around in my brain and just letting the wheels turn and turn and turn and imagine scenarios that may not ever happen. Shut the frick up, brain.

My therapist told me this could be good practice for "another time in life when my hormones could also be out of wack."  She's good.

I'm going now. To watch Seinfeld. Or Revenge. Or both. And going to eat cheese or chocolate. Or both.

Monday, October 28, 2013

Domestic in Decatur: Honey Crisp Apple Crisp

I bought a bag of honey crisp apples recently. 

Have you had a honey crisp? It was hard for me to eat any other apple after I had one. An apple-picker friend got me addicted. 

I texted her: why are these types of apples so expensive? 
Her response: because they are so good.

I got slightly overwhelmed with the bag of apples. I am one person. Jimmy doesn't eat raw apples. It's fall. I just picked up some organic rolled oats from the farmer's market. Bag of apples. Oats. Let's do this. 

I feel like any apple could do for apple crisp, no? I actually had a few a la carts: one red delicious, one granny smith and the bag of honey crisps. 

I found this recipe for a "healthier" apple crisp. I tweaked it and used pure maple syrup instead of white sugar and sadly, didn't have whole wheat flour so I had to use white.  I also didn't have any pecans. 

Came out so so good. Delightfully edible and served as a proper fall air-freshener. Win win. 

Team Autumn! 

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Lil Baby Cards

I'm sick of seeing these images from our photo shoot one year ago but surely I win an award for getting the most out of one professional photo session. 

I feel funny calling them business cards sans employment so -- contact cards? I got these mini cards from Moo for not much money at all. 

Cutes, right? 

Also, is it such a Millennial thing to do to not put a phone number on a card? 

The phone? Ew. 

Sunday, October 20, 2013

Booty Circle Prep

It's been a hell of a couple weeks in IVF world over here. What an emotional roller coaster. Things change constantly. We hit a speed bump recently and felt like we were no longer candidates. Then we met with our wonderful doctor who reignited hope and continued us on our track.   

There's a lot of paper work and fees. A lot of tests and procedures. A lot of patience.

It was earlier this year when we decided to start this journey, and now, things are about to really start happening. I think. I'm pretty sure. Most likely.

This past week, among other things, Jimmy and I attended an injection training session. Anything could happen to delay us, you never know. With that being said, I'm scheduled to start my IVF injections Saturday.

Even though Jimmy can't physically give me shots, they suggested he attend the class even still. I thought that was a great idea! That way he can learn with me and help me though it verbally.  

I think this aspect is less scary because I'm now around medical stuff all the time. Everything doesn't look so foreign. No, I'm a liar. Those needles looked like no candle apple at the fair. 

First, I have to give myself shots in the stomach with a rather small needle. Then there's a big honker that has to go either in the hiney or the leg. They tell me they prefer the hiney. Yipee skippy. Apparently they'll draw circles on my booty to plot the possible injection sites. Booty Circles.

I can do it. I'll be okay. We're lucky to have even gotten this far in this whole thing. So, we hold our breath and leap into another week. More forms, appointments, injections and other preparations.

As I type this, Jimmy is starting his vent-free nights tonight. He's nervous, worried about sleep and probably other stuff. He's taking a big ole brave leap tonight. 

And here I am worried about a shot in my butt.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Wednesday Wisdom: Well Shit

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Today We Remember

As Jimmy and I continue our challenging path to get pregnant through IVF, we are realizing how fragile, crazy scary and emotional this whole journey can be.

But none of the angst or the speed bumps we're experiencing right now compares to what was given and then lost.

Tonight, while sipping my mug of cinnamon tea, I'm thinking of the brave women and men who continue to live their lives with such courage after having to say goodbye. This moment is for you.

To my friends Kim, Amy, Kristy. My sister. My sister-in-law. My mother. My grandmother. My cousin. And the millions of others who are the face of miscarriage, infant loss and stillbirth: you are amazing, wonderful women and there is a piece of my heart carved out just for you.

"If there ever comes a day when we can't be together, put me in your heart. I'll stay there forever."
-- A.A. Mine

Saturday, October 12, 2013

An Untold Story

If Jimmy and I were living in Georgia as a married couple less than 50 years ago, we'd be breaking the law. Just by being married.

Uhm, that's not that long ago you guys.

On the front page of Humanthology there is a Maya Angelou quote I just love: "There is no agony like bearing an untold story inside of you."

I often forget that this is one of my untold stories. I guess because I feel like in this marriage the interracial factor is such a non-factor.  When we get stared at, I'm pretty sure it's because of the giant wheelchair and not that my husband's skin is a little more tan than mine. I could be wrong though. Maybe it's both. Who knows what other people see.

It's hard to fathom interracial marriage was such a dividing issue in this country just as a recent as a few decades ago. I know the issue is still there, but maybe a little more diluted than it once was? 

When Jimmy and I were dating, I remember having a conversation with a close friend of mine and Jimmy's who mentioned in passing something about Jimmy being black. 

I stopped her mid-sentence and asked, "Jimmy's black?"

I was serious. I never in my mind really even though about it. Jimmy to me was always -- just Jimmy. I obviously figured there's something in his blood to make him a little more tan than I, but that's how much of a non-factor his skin color was. I didn't even think about it. I didn't even know.

That is a true story, as silly as it sounds.

As Jimmy started to meet several people in my life, I realized that not everyone had the same reaction as I: naive oblivion. But, everyone grew to love him as I knew they would. Black, white, purple or yellow.  Look at that friggin' cutie pie, how could you not love him?

I remember when he was taking me home to meet his family several years into our relationship. I had to ask, "Is it going to be a big deal you're bringing home... someone white?" (Cringe)

Jimmy quickly said: "No. We have every shade you can think of in the family."

I relaxed even more when I saw just how welcoming and warm his family was. It seemed like a big deal that Jimmy was bringing someone home and his family seemed to understand it meant something.

Once in awhile, someone I will cross paths with will say something negative about "black people." (Cringe) I take deep, deep offense. But I always have. Well before I met Jimmy.  Possibly even a little more now.

I often wonder if those things are being said within earshot because of my husband.

About a year ago, we had a nursing aide came in our home. He had to bring his child in while he was here for his visit, which was only about an hour or so. The child was sitting quietly at my dinner room table playing a little video game while his father helped get my husband out of bed.  I came out of my room and the child looked up at me.

He started to look around at the photos of me and Jimmy. He asked me if I lived here. I said yes. His eyes got wide.

He asked, "You live here? With him?"

I said, "Yes, we are married." 

I just rocked his world.

He said, "But you're white... and he's black!"

And he just rocked mine right back.

The child looked genuinely confused and a little frightened. Frightened!

Uh, reality check.

What are these child's surroundings like? What is he being told at home? I would've liked to school him on race relations but it looked like he was still heavily processing the initial revelation. I'm sure Dad got lots of questions in the car.

Surely you have seen this Cheerio's commercial with the bi-racial family. I read somewhere that this sweet commercial actually got a lot of racial backlash.

But, I also read that it was shown to several children who couldn't tell the interviewers what was wrong the with commercial.  They didn't see the big deal. 


Kumbaya people. Kumbaya.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Wednesday Wisdom: It Goes On

Monday, October 7, 2013

Sans Nurse

Can I tell you about a small piece of joy I experienced today? Here it is.
Today, Jimmy and I needed to go to the bank to get a document notarized. There are several Wells Fargo branches around where we live. I wanted to go. With just my husband. You know, like we used to.
I told the nurse Jimmy and I were going -- without her. I told her she could stay nearby with her cellphone on and we'd text when we were coming back.
After the visit to the bank, Jimmy and I were hungry. It was that weird time in between lunch and dinner and we only had breakfast.
We dined at a little Mexican cantina in our downtown that has some patio seating. My food was not good, so I'm glad the salsa, guacamole and queso were delicioso. 
We were rolling back to the car to go home when Jimmy saw a spa. He seemed interested. He had been complaining of his face itching all day. When the air goes cool, then warm, then cool again his skin gets all wacky. I urged him to get a facial.  Lord knows someone not being able to scratch their own incessant itchiness warrants this. And, Jimmy is not too proud to get himself some TLC, which I love.
The gals at this spa were so accommodating and friendly.  
He started to make fun of the hokey relaxation music and the dim lights but was soon more relaxed than I had seen him in a long time. He knew he couldn't fight the Zen. He also couldn't fight the hot towel treatment. That kid was in heaven.   
So, 1) bank 2) mexican linner 3) man pampering... and, NO NURSE. Just husband and wife. It felt so... normal. 
We get so used to having nurses around sometimes I forget that they will be there -- until we ask them not to be. The key is remembering to do that.
This was my small piece of joy for the day. I hope you experienced some as well. xo.
No conversation filter in car.
And, I could resume really bad singing safely with no third-party present.

See that? There's no nurse behind him!  

Sunday, October 6, 2013

Two Days in Asheville

Happy Sunday.

We're recovering from travel which is always challenging, but even more so with Jimmy being sick. 
He had a cold during our trip to Asheville, NC but he was SUCH a trooper this weekend. He had to get suctioned like every 5-10 minutes during the reception but he was there and got to see it all.

I told him we go could go under the condition that we wait for the cake to be cut. He understood. And, only the best carrot cake I've ever ever had.

I think this was the first wedding we've attended together since ours in June 2011. We got to witness our wonderful friends get married, got to see some long-distance friends and, the night before the wedding, we got to have dinner with Jimmy's family who doesn't live too far from the city. It was wonderful.

Anyways, you know how there's always something that happens during every wedding? During theirs: a nearby business alarm went off. For awhile. It was funny because when the alarm finally stopped the bride got so excited and the officiant said: "Their love is so powerful it sets off alarms." 

So cute. What a great day. 

“When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, 

you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.”

-Billy Crystal 

When Harry Met Sally, 1989