I had one-on-one therapy today. I even used the full amount of time, which I don't normally do.
I don't always agree with everything my therapist says but over the course of our two years together, she has gotten to know me, and mine and Jimmy's relationship through our sessions. She's able to call me on my crap when needed. I hate and love that.
This was the first time seeing her since we received the 'zero fertilization' call. I had a lot to fill her in on, including my feelings about the whole thing and our possible decision on how to proceed.
I told her I realized this is harder than I thought it was going to be. And that I was sad. And that I cry.
I told her I was having a hard time controlling those feelings and that I wanted to make sure I wasn't going to fall in a dark hole.
She told me she wasn't concerned about me falling in a dark hole because I know how to distract myself and I know how to do things that make me happy. Therapist could be onto something. I have been known to drive myself to eat my favorite meal when my soul needs it. Or go to Starbucks for a warm, giant chocolate-chip cookie when my soul really needs it.
But she told me I also needed to allow myself to feel the feelings. Feel the feelings. Be in it. Let myself be sad, mad, upset.
Stop trying to go go GO. Just stop, breath and feel feel FEEL. Maybe not fight it and question it so much. This feels weird to me. But I get it.
We also talked about grief today. I grieved for the old Jimmy and our old life everyday for about a year following the accident. I sporadically still do.
Grief is very real here too.
There are days when I ask myself... when did life get so hard? I think this non-realistic thought of "nothing else bad is going to happen to us. We've already had our bad thing."
[INCORRECT BUZZER SOUND]
Just like everyone else, we have to work through the hard stuff and more hard stuff to get to the good stuff. And then, there's gonna be more hard stuff after the good stuff. Life is crappy crapshoot that is sucky and wonderful.
I had a quick moment of clarity today when I looked at my husband today while he was on the phone, reconnecting with an old friend. He was so happy in that moment.
This sometimes sucky, always messy life is so worth it. I could have been robbed of that.
See? It's not all bad.
I'm going to feel my feelings and stuff now. But I wanted to post this little saying (below) because while Therapist helped me to realize I need to take a little break, that doesn't mean I'm giving up. I will soldier on. My cute little husband and I will get through this. This hard stuff.
There is going to be good stuff.