I'm still here. That was a little peep out of me.
I've been here. Silently healing.
Remember that blog where I kept telling you that we were okay after our little dose of tough news that our first round of IVF didn't work? Really I think I was trying to convince myself. We were not okay. But I really thought we were.
It reminds much of days following the accident.
I was in pure survival mode and wasn't allowing myself to feel or digest anything yet because there were things that needed to be done. Arrangements to be made. So much stepping up to the plate that I had to do. After the 'surviving' ended and the living with it began, I started to feel and accept and it sucked so bad.
The survival mode phase of this wasn't as long, but it did exist. I told myself we needed to move on, accept this quickly and make a decision about what do to -- now.
That forced me to constantly talk about it. To bring it up non-stop. It was all I could talk about for days and it was suffocating me and my husband.
There were so many tears, a few moments of rage and then some brutal truth. That brutal truth, although painful to hear, paved the path to a morning of honest discussion.
We made a decision about what to do next. We're still gonna keep at this thing, just tweaking a few things to try and attain success. It's not going to be easy. It hasn't been easy so far but we deserve to be parents.
We're going to approach each and every challenge like we always do: together and in our messy little way. Apparent fits of rage and then apologies and love.
We know that something is missing in our lives and it's time we go and get it. Or her. Or him.
Jimmy and I spent the weekend apart. Leaving him this time was probably the hardest since the accident. My heart was broken walking out the door. The look on his face didn't say: "go! have fun! be safe and call me when you get there!" It said: "this sucks and I really don't want you to leave."
There's no doubt it was because of the hard time we were/are going through. We both needed a little extra something. Being apart didn't feel right but our brains kept us on track and I went. I think it was for the best, as hard as it was. Being apart kept us from constantly talking about it. I wonder if my friends were concerned hearing the deep sighs coming from me. The heavy load weighing on my heart. Could they see it? Could they hear it? Was it contagious?
I had one really hard afternoon where the tears just wouldn't stop. A nap and knowing I needed to get out of the mountain house helped, though.
I feel I actually came home with a clear(er) head on the subject.
We didn't bring the topic up until couple's therapy yesterday. I told the therapist our news and Jimmy told our therapist our decision. The way he said it with conviction made me realize we made the right decision.
Being on the same page is so comforting, refreshing... everything.
Jimmy and I will continue to move towards our goal. I realized that as badass and strong as we are, we're only human and need time to not only survive, but to accept, grieve and heal.
With that said... we're coming to get you Baby Moore. Sit tight.